When I saw Emperor Emeritus Akihito maybe I saw that he was a tortured man, in the sense of the weight of the world still perhaps being unkind? Maybe due to my intelligence I saw this, but its just a theory, and became sick from seeing someone under that much duress. I don’t actually know, it is within the realm of reason anyways.

I am always waiting for the the next threat to present itself, always anticipating the next move. Maybe that is what it is like to be powerful or prominent or whatever. It’s weird because to my knowledge when I am not controlled by my paranoid thoughts I am just a (mostly) everyday human, especially up until my first breakdown. I mean I was always overly intelligent and more nerdy than some, but that describes a large swath of humanity.

Its probably another reason communism without leader worship is a good thing in my mind, nobody should have to have that much pressure on them.