Mindblog 5

I guess common sense is needed, lest we wind up with a messy society.

Most people seem to understand this and behave themselves though.

Ok being a jet fighter pilot would be so awesome. I love watching stunts and maneuvers on YouTube.

I made some wrong career decisions when I was young.

I love just flying in passenger jets, the take-off is so fun.

If there is an afterlife where I can do whatever I want, I will definitely fly a jet fighter. The g-forces man, the g-forces!

Wait a second, whatever I want? Ok, that actually makes things too complicated, where to begin?

Seriously, it would be nice to know for sure that there is a meaning to all of this and that life doesn’t just end after a short time.

I wish I could experience that, it’s like I am a mutant. I will continue to pray anyways hoping for revelation.

MKUltra is always in the back of my head, when I was a slave to my paranoia I often fancied that I went on missions under control of intelligence agencies.

Like I said, it is still in the back of my head a lot. It’s not totally unreasonable to think that this kind of technology does exist, after all research on mind control has been done since the 1950s to my knowledge.

It once again made me feel relevant and important, now I am just a nut.

Being just a nut sucks.

This stupid medication, I am feeling a lot less creative on them. I used to enjoy writing and doing photography but now I just never think of anything to do, the motivation is gone.

I’ve turned into a media hermit, just watching shows and movies and reading most of the time.

I wonder if other people with schizophrenia feel like this on their meds, the paranoia helped bring a sense of importance to my work and so the show had to go on.

Now I am just critical of my works, they don’t bring me as much joy as they did when I was skipping pills.

I want my life to have meaning and I am finding less of it as time goes on.

I think religion is a sign that there is mass psychosis rampant in the populace, their insane minds giving meaning to their lives as they toil endlessly for gods that do not show themselves or exist at all.

The world wouldn’t work if we were all treated for psychosis though. Humanity would sleep it’s existence away like me.

Playing the keyboard is helping calm down my thoughts, I can’t really play anything yet, but I can still play some spontaneous compositions that are nice to my ear.

I wish I had found out about this before. But as the title says, it’s new.

I like that I can doodle with it so easily, that would be more difficult with a different instrument I feel.

Thanks Dad.

Right now I am thinking that the digital revolution was the catalyst for a social catastrophe. Amongst quite a few thoughts.

And see? That doesn’t work if we have a bandwidth problem like I mentioned in an earlier post.

It’s like any dumb idea that pops into my head is amazingly relevant, I have to struggle to maintain my zen.

If only alcohol and marijuana calmed me like they did when I was younger. Those don’t even work anymore and according to my Psychiatrist only negate the meds.

I am having a terrible night, my thoughts are not what they were in the morning. I was hoping to kill paranoia with sleep like I have been doing when this happens over the last two years, but I can’t calm down enough to fall asleep.

Like I have described in one of my previous blogs it’s notably wacky because the theories change and conflict with each other but seem very real at the time they happen and are very loud in my head.

Once the thoughts start repeatedly conflicting I start trying to dismiss them, but it is very difficult to blot out the noise.

I am lucky that I can at least identify it as a thought disorder, some are not so lucky and become slaves to their paranoia. That has happened to me in the past but not since I started with the injections.

The most dominant theme is that I am feeling increasingly watched or observed in some way. It’s making me anxious so I can’t sleep.

I feel really bad about it, I wonder if my medication might affect this if I ever have another chance.

I actually dislike jealous asshole boyfriends.

I only have to put up with myself for a finite amount of time as far as I can tell. Though at least my base psychology isn’t fucked up enough to really go for hating myself.

I wrote into the field “Agnostic that prays anyways”. I do pray to Norse gods. That makes me super weird I think, they aren’t exactly popular anymore unless they are marvel comic book movie heroes.

I had “Asatru” on there for a few days because just having “Agnostic” was not entirely correct anymore. I was thinking of meeting up with some Asatru in Calgary but decided against it since I do agree with Bill Maher that all religions are dangerous and stupid. I don’t want to offend all religious people with this, but it does draw lines between groups of people. Which is funny because Jesus, who I consider a great philosopher, wanted all people living in universal brother/sisterhood, then people draw lines using his name.

I guess a few prayers don’t constitute being religious or spiritual so I feel exempt from being labelled as some sort of nut.

Faith is kind of nutty from a scientific view. Though I won’t deny that it has spawned some good codes of conduct.