Mindblog 5

We really have that much bandwidth? It’s always been baffling to me. Then again I failed a network engineering course.

But my ignorance makes my internet access and smartphone seem like unlikely luxuries.

I am a student again, so I can now say something else than just “I am disabled” when people ask.

I am kind of studying for the pursuit of knowledge without much of a final goal in place. Which helps since there is no guarantee of a degree since I am not historically a straight A student.

I would prefer if I wound up with some credentials though.

It’s not as omnipresent as when I have a breakdown, nor does it really affect my behavior so it shouldn’t lead to hospitalization.

But still I have had these thoughts of being somehow special, having more power than I know about.

I also believe in a hidden order of governance, masked by a matrix of media obfuscation.

Age, as I mentioned in a previous blog that I deleted is also a factor, being in line with traditions that the elders have the say. I have been fancying the thought that there is an initiation when you reach a certain age.

But there is the negative stuff too, like I am some sort of international joke.

It definitely makes my thought process more interesting in any case, to be positive. I hate it when my mind goes blank, I really enjoy thinking.

I wouldn’t want to take more drugs and totally numb my brain, I hope I can deal with all this.

And ask me to do something immoral to get it.

So I can turn them down.

There are different levels of immoral…

I could donate the money for a good cause I suppose, if it isn’t too terrible.

I just really want to stick it to someone with too much wealth, I personally think there should be a wealth cap anyways.

With poverty still being a problem there shouldn’t be people flaunting private jets and such things.

I had the most intimidating dream ever, it dealt with gods, the afterlife, psychopaths, superhuman intelligence, supercomputers, industrial futuristic human mutilation for entertainment purposes, my sister being attacked by a psychopath with industrial tools, EMS being too slow to arrive and their line being busy, me heroically killing the psychopath and cutting his head off with a circle saw, cops with special fluids in diapers, me with special fluids in diapers, over coddling, a magical treehouse pirate ship, going down the highway in said pirate ship treehouse, smartphones, passports and things I’d rather not mention. When I woke up all I could think was that being a superior A.I. would be awful and had a new appreciation for the simplicity of my life.

I even started fearing death a little less, it is truly the most disgusting dream I have had in recent memory.

It’s weird, I am proud on one side and then there is all this bad history, especially recent history. So I wonder if it’s ok to be proud.

It’s been a major conflict in my head recently. It’s somewhat of a taboo because of Hitler, but I do identify with the Germanic peoples as a whole and I know the Nazis had strong beliefs centered around the greater German Reich that included all Germanic people, including the Scandanavians. I get this feeling of being bro with others of the same heritage.

I think it’s more useful to be a proud European though.

Or even better a proud Human.

But you can’t cheer for the Human or European team at World Cup.

Edit: Yeah I can actually cheer for the Human team at World Cup.

I look at facebook posts by media personalities and they are full of vile trash comments! Youtube and all the rest too!

I remember IRC channels being so dammned heavy handed with the banning for people breaking the rules.

Oh no, I am an internet conservative!

I am guilty of this, especially as of late.

People ask me what I do and I say I am disabled or something to that effect.

I do feel a basic human need to contribute to the highly complex mosaic that is humanity in some meaningful way instead of being a drain. I have worked at doing minimum wage tasks and it was awful, I didn’t get a sense of achievement. I look up to people of accomplishment and wish I could be like that. I have lately been jealous of celebrities, I know, it’s shallow.

So I do a few creative things, but they don’t earn money so I feel dishonest telling people I am a writer or photographer.

And that eventually led to my dilemma of defining my being as what is wrong with me.

I wish I were a girl, because girls just wanna have fun!

Thank You Cyndi Lauper for my new life outlook.

Just gotta concentrate on having that fun.

Conservatives of all kinds all weird me out. As life quality becomes better and better over the years I think it’s only logical to improve and improve. I guess I am biased since I don’t really have faith that death leads to something better, so we need to make this place the best place it can be.

Becoming masters of this Realm would totally kick ass in any case. I wonder how far we can go as a species in controlling our lot in life. I wonder if like some species in Star Trek we can basically become gods.

Why look into the past for solutions to today’s problems? I love having the conveniences of life now as compared to even just 100 years ago, the list of changes is astounding.

I know, I know, “Blasphemy!”. To you I say Bah Humbug!

The new meds work great except for one thing, they make me extremely lazy. I just sit there sometimes or go back to bed after being up for an hour and often sleep at least fourteen hours a night. I like that they inhibit my schizophrenic symptoms but life is definitely a bit more grey.

I didn’t like my last trip to the mental ward, it was Christmas and I wanted to be home. So I accept the side affects. People say how I am more myself.

It could be worse. Maybe in the future there will be better options. At least I am not in the Third Reich being sterilized or exterminated.

Though my prospects of making babies is relatively low I would say, besides, not to say that mandatory sterilization is acceptable but I don’t really want to pass on my defects.