The obsession with static systems intended to be infallible is not useful, an acceptance of the potential dynamism of laws is useful, politics as a scalpel rather than a mallet.

Edit: It’s a reason I really respect the Talmud. I don’t agree with the use of doctrine, especially when unnecessary (it is to be employed in primitive societies for them to function I think due to scarcity and resulting aggression).

Edit: I respect the fact that the Talmud is a religious dialogue as opposed to doctrine, the actual contents of the entire Talmud are nebulous to me at this time.

The internet is great for fighting the trend of uber-celebrities dominating the mediascape. You can have mini-celebrities on the local scale.

Sharing is caring you know?

It doesn’t hurt to be happy about who you are when wanting to be happy in general. It’s just dangerous when you start thinking you are better than other people, it can be a recipe for supremacism.

The dishonorable have no problem taking advantage of the honorable. I wouldn’t say that giving up honor is the solution, just be very careful, though there is no such thing as a guarantee in life.

Speaking of guarantees, my alienware is coming up on 6 years and is pretty much working like a charm, damn fine investment if you ask me. Also, the pace of requiring new hardware for the latest games is much better than it was when I was a kid. I wonder if cloud computing will become a thing soon, onlive worked great for delivering games on any old terminal, though not having the computing onsite has its disadvantages.

Some wisdom from Anime, young poor people with talent can be recruited and overpowered to do things that may seem appealing, but have negative consequences for their well-being.

It’s kinda like being tricked into going to war.

I do tend to want the world’s workings to conform to my ideal view. But it’s an imperfect world with imperfect solutions.

Besides, a conception of perfection is subjective.

I should learn to like complexity in human dishonesty when dealing with how we communicate, organize, and paint a picture of our world. I would have to learn this to be at peace with the lies.

Lot’s of these lies are ones we tell to ourselves to make more sense of the world and everyone has different requirements for this.

I don’t know if society could function if everything was revealed.

I do believe in a good lie though, I see examples of bad ones all the time though.

If there are no large groups of poor then there is no need to revolt. If people are respected as humans with rights and a voice then there is no need for revolution.

Should totally be everybody’s new time format, it’s so cool and useful. Besides, decimal is always the way to go.

That is all.

#Ifiruledtheworld

Individualism in a more ultimate form is a way to end war, if people are judged individually and not as statistics relevant to group targeting.

Then it’s just cops and robbers.

I have been dismayed previously about the low birthrate in the first world, but there was something I wasn’t considering, infant mortality is at an all time low.

There are many things I like about the show, but I primarily like its function as a class in appreciating we don’t live there anymore.

Due to the way I respond to certain people on first sight I am worried that I have subliminal implants, I wouldn’t be a hard target, I watch the screen like a screen-hound.

I am paranoid about being bread in secret to continue my line. Thanks a lot “Dune”!

Strangely enough my thoughts are positive about it.

I have been worrying that there is some terrible secret that will make me look a fool for about the last hour or so, it’s not a very common worry for me, I wonder if it will join my repertoire of psychological unease.

Mind you secrets also have a certain excitement attached to them, since they might be cool.

Not being in the world’s power centers does suck if you are attracted to them, but the internet is valuable in being able to globalize the conversation about our future.

So far and yet so near.

If only IRC weren’t so dead these days, the internet was more of an international playground in some respects when I was growing up. But I do love that I can get international newspapers on the internet now and they have real-time comment sections.

Everyone can have a published voice now, of course time is valuable so mass exposure isn’t available to all.

I don’t know much about this, but I wonder how different people who have it really good respond to being spoiled in the sense of not giving a damn.

Honestly, I think that people often remain children beyond the legally determined dates that states have.

The world is changed by child armies.

People get punished for being themselves or they are at least tinkered with. Of course we wouldn’t have all these nice fruits of civilization if it weren’t so.

Forbidding drugs is insulting to human agency and is probably one of the reasons it doesn’t work very well. If someone wants to destroy themselves (referring to the nasty stuff here) it should be their right. It’s a medical problem if people are sick. A healthy person should want to maximize their potential and not want to play with fire and risk it all.

It’s just that the tragic figure is somewhat romanticized. I know all about the romanticization of my condition, and I just hope to gain from it, but as I just stated that’s healthy behavior. Nonetheless I still think that this tragic figure thing we have is perhaps not the greatest contribution to art and therefore people’s psychological makeup when it comes to self destructive behavior. Mind you, there are many other reasons people risk their lives and do dangerous things.

Edit: Ultimately it is a healthcare concern and not a Law enforcement concern when it comes to victims of recreational drugs. Traffickers who maliciously take advantage of the vulnerable on the other hand SHOULD be the focus of law enforcement.

Before I had my first psychotic break I had much less of an appreciation of myths that make human psychology function.

I am a bit swamped now though, I am longing for my more scientific cold assessment of our reality right now. Though as a permanent state I am no longer sure which is more enjoyable, leaning towards the scientific, there is less fear involved.

In defense of fanatics, I am sure their devotion and love is appreciated by some some kinds of people/gods (if you believe in gods and all that).

It’s just that fanatics have a bad rep as being violent and harmful.

I normally consider myself a fan of many things, but I think being an aficionado is better, I don’t like the root word of fan: fanatic.

I like to think that I appreciate things in an critical way.

I didn’t really consider the root word, fan had kinda crept into my vernacular and I am ditching it.

Aficionado does sound pretentious though. *sigh*

*censored*

420 falls on Hitler’s birthday, I wonder if Hitler had smoked pot he would have turned out so angry?

Ok maybe it isn’t so weird after all.

#420

I think it would be tragic and comedic if history proves both sides in the cold war wrong.

If you can afford it, always buy! I feel good when I support businesses that I like with money. (I do wish that contemporary corporate culture didn’t distribute it so ridiculously unequally in many cases)

I do my best, but I am below the local poverty line on disability support without any additional income and I have to consume media to keep sane! I have a brain to feed here!

It’s political activism I say!

Netflix would be adequate if I weren’t so picky, I do have a subscription though, they have stuff I watch and I have a few other subscriptions too.

#420

I don’t really have proof of there being a higher realm that is related to our lives here on earth beyond what I have already mentioned. But I like to think that we are in the hanging in the balance of some kind of war between the gods, not original I admit, since I do like to play the “Diablo” series of video games.

Maybe when I die I will just be a victim in a war beyond my control. Strangely enough that makes me feel like there was maybe a point to existing so briefly and it’s comforting.

As with many aspects of my psychology I wonder how long this thought will remain dominant in my mind. It is more like a fancy than a religious view.

I am thinking that the highly developed world people are becoming so unnatural that they have stopped breeding like regular humans. The reason that this is a simplification is that it takes away from the value of human agency being supreme over matters of biology.

I mourn in advance, it doesn’t really work perfectly though.

Nationality and Religion are just decorations and not at the core of one’s being.

But spending money is fun.

The news is a weapon.

Edit: It seems to me that everybody is in some kind of state of conflict, we are almost all at war with something. Though some get more close to traditional states of warfare, like when journalists go into war-zones and get harmed or killed.

Greed is not good right now, we have limited resources and should therefore not be wasteful.

Is your work valuable to anyone? Even yourself? Then it has value, so this argument of how good art is, is purely academic and aesthetic when dealing with the value of an individual.

When monetary ambition comes into play, then those academic and aesthetic variables come into play.

Regional Supra-National Unions like the E.U. could still have a place in global federal government as an extra layer of government that aids integration. I wrote that it is useful as a proto-type because I was worried that the E.U. may fail and I was justifying it’s existence if it that failure comes to pass.

Edit: Also, integration is a great creator of peace, so it is definitely a worthy cause.

Individualism is a good movement, the full actualization of everybody should be a goal of any endeavor to improve our lives.

Justifying inhumanity by using “cultural heritage” as a defense is wrong.

Edit: I’d like to add religion to the list of wrong justifications.

I live alone, and I get lonely. The characters on “The Big Bang Theory” are like having ersatzfriends to keep me company.

Even if you can’t be bought, maybe people in your circles can be bought.

I only read bits of the bible. As far as my life goes “Star Trek” was my good book. To mention a few things about me that it inspired me to adapt, would be, humaneness, education, and futurism/progressivism.

Edit: And fighting the good fight.

I realize that something has been stolen from me that is part of a healthy psychological make-up. I have diminished sense of belonging being away from my people. It’s not such a huge deal to deal with, but it’s still bothersome.

Edit: I feel like I have been extracted to be put into a petri dish and analyzed by my captors.

I am a very democratic, very leftist, politically minded person. So it is definitely out of character to believe in Germanic-National movements, that I have mentioned I think are cool. It’s generally the domain of Neo-Nazis, and that’s upsetting for sure.

It’s a struggle, I also like post national-concepts, so I am never at peace with these feelings of greater family/tribe.

I just think it’s so fashionable, I mean many other peoples are all down with tribalism and such, while also being progressive otherwise, it creates a diverse mosaic which can be said to add to the beauty of humanity. It’s just the Germanic predicament to have the Nazis ruin YET ANOTHER thing for us. I mean they ruined our place as scientific and cultural leadership around the globe, though not entirley, our role is greatly diminished. For a geek like me there is little to be geeky about that is Germanic, though I still play the videogame Settlers II, and the board game Settlers of Catan (Go German board games!).

And there is definitely that worry that one might be perceived wrongly as just another Neo-Nazi.

Edit: Germany also has some super-fine trains, and Denmark has Lego.

When I was seventeen I wanted to move back to Austria and claim my citizenship, due to the law I was entitled to Austrian Citizenship before I turned eighteen. But I was dealing with the consulate in Calgary and the application process took so many months that by the time everything was submitted I had turned eighteen.

If I had moved back to Austria (which I did for a while without citizenship a few years later) I would have been drafted into the military or civil service, since Austria has had conscription in place since the founding of the second republic. I was set on joining the military, which my father thought was a good idea. I didn’t start experiencing schizophrenic symptoms until I was twenty, so if I had decided to just do the mandatory service time I would have been in and out before I would have been ejected due to being medically unfit to serve, I was otherwise in fine health at the time, so it is likely they would have taken me.

It’s strange how a few weeks of sending documents back and forth had such influence on what probably would have been a profound change to my entire life.

I was recently able to obtain Austrian citizenship again due to a temporary change in laws, but since I am on disability benefits here in Canada I wouldn’t have qualified.

I think it would be cool to have tiny subdivisions of government. In residential areas, down to the block or similar size. It would revitalize people’s political interest, because it would give them influence where the major players that decide everything seem so far away. It would be cool if your neighbors were all involved in some local policy decisions.

Creating real political communities where you can still know everyone’s face.

I feel like facebook is an attempt at mass data-mining for the cause of counter-terrorism.

That’s right Trump, I’m looking at you!

What’s the next step after that? Untermenschen?

As much as I appreciate calling Trump a loser, like Elizabeth Warren did, I think the word is so degrading to human dignity and the first step down a slippery slope of judging people like race horses.

And of course everyone I disagree with is Hitler, it doesn’t get any more original than that folks.

This is just shameless self serving indulgence for my conscience, but if you go back far enough I am sure every tribe has wronged some other tribe over something.

Just had to be a white guy in the neo-colonial era.

The Dalai Lama is right when he says we should be humans first. I still feel bad though for getting a get out of jail free card from the Dalai Lama for all the shit the white man has been up to.

#Vergangenheitsbewältigung

You can pour all the trillions you want onto a problem, if the resources aren’t there then it’s a problem that can’t be solved with money.

The reason I bring this up is that domestic/foreign aid can only go so far.

What if even-though the A.I. massive eventually exceeds us in many or all respects they kept us as their souls instead of hating us in some war?

What do people think about literally becoming the ghost in the machine?

I think militaries are ideally suited to do humanitarian work as evidenced by relief efforts usually within a state’s own borders done by parts of the local military.

This should be expanded upon, humanitarian corps for helping develop the needy parts of the world and intervening like that instead of securing their own alliances (thinking of NATO and Russia here) continued military dominance.

I think if this kind of a shift in the military’s role in future policy making would prevent areas that have a power vacuum, following a undesireable government being removed, from going out of control.

Also, if there is to be a future where the globe harmonizes in terms of equality and human rights; military style organizations would still take their place in society as humanitarian corps in times of disaster. And there might regrettably always be a hostile element in society that needs dealing with, though I do hope that if we create a paradise on earth, that kind of thing might also fade into history.

Edit:

I wrote about this in a previous blog.

Crops of humans were lost because it was too nice a matrix?

As much as I like Hugo Weaving’s performance, I want him to be wrong so much.

I have those!

Why bother with a fancy degree when I can draw upon my status as the 99%.

It worked for many revolutionaries!

As I discussed many years ago with someone, I think that another problem, besides the gestapo bullshit, with the socialist revolutions in the early 20th century were built on top of very primitive societies. I think that today’s highly developed capitalist societies are much more fertile ground to have socialism flourish, dare I even say communism?

The flower communism the hippies wanted and never got. No guns, just sharing.

Ok, I must admit, I make a sad revolutionary if my idea of a gun is a flower.

Edit: My guns are computers.

I also feel that maybe the power roles of men and women are significantly different when it comes to various different affairs of the species or family or bloodlines, and I am not on the inside of the complex systems of control.

There seems to be a theme in my paranoia thinking that human institutions are more impressive than they appear to me from what I can gather through my information sources.

But I totally got the idea from Frank Herbert.

I feel like parents and grandparents have special hidden societal powers, especially when it comes to their own family line.

Still not wanting to take the plunge and have kids, maybe there are also restrictions that people without children don’t have, privileges I am simply not aware of.

I have mentioned my last big breakdown and the new injections I am on.

It’s feeling kind of like a rebirth. As a cyborg; I have also mentioned that I am not quite as energetic, enthusiastic, and enthralled by things as I used to be. I don’t binge-play video-games anymore, something which very suddenly stopped, I was playing a JRPG (The Last Story) obsessively before my last breakdown and it was awesome. My entertainment regimen is definitely less colorful.

I am glad I have better judgement, because honestly experimenting with drugs seems like a good way to recapture more entertaining states of mind. Though I judge that to be a terrible idea.

Edit:

The irony of fact that the game was named “The Last Story” and it was a kind of last story for me is not lost on me, I have thought it strange before.

If you see the human population as one global civilization there are enough people who are in extreme poverty to justify a violent revolution, but today’s armed forces in developed nations are so powerful compared to potential revolutions, as well as distant (not just physically, but they are culturally separated from the concerns of these humans) that these militaries can ignore or suppress at leisure.

Any successful violent global revolution would require elite and military support from the developed world.

It would be nice if Star Trek were hard sci-fi, watching TNG I can’t help but notice how bad some of the technobabble is. I still enjoy it for it’s message more than for the technobabble, but my scientific side would like more effort on making sense, but I suppose they were trying to push the limit of what would be possible in the future. I just remember not noticing this when I was little.

So I was watching a “Desperate Housewives” inspired show made in Austria called “Vorstadtweiber”, I don’t know if I enjoy seeing rich assholes being rich assholes.

Actually I don’t. I wish Germany or/and Austria had an anime-like industry. Need the D-Anime.

One of the reasons I am so alarmist about right wing trends is the fact that Germany was transformed so quickly to Hitler’s regime of terror and extermination.

I love “from the hip” photography and my smartphone is such a great way to always have a camera in my pocket when I want to snap something.

Been feeling more shutter-happy lately again.

Brought to you by our corporate overlords.

I was indoctrinated by Star Trek as a child!

I must help unite the peoples of earth, create utopia, and prevent world war three.

They are good ideas! So what if it isn’t original!

At least I didn’t copy anything in my life from Grand Theft Auto or Cannon Fodder and their ilk.

There isn’t enough time to enjoy everything, I want to read, see, and play more than I have time to.

My father is adopted, so I often wonder abut my bloodline. Beyond the fact that his parents were from Germany I don’t know anything.

Maybe they were German Jews that escaped, that would be cool. I am considering getting a DNA test to find out, it’s just really expensive. Recently my uncle got to me to sign up for an ancestry research service and they offer DNA tests to see your ethnic makeup and possible relations.

I want to be related to Karl Marx.

Sometimes I think that the technique of making CGI people indistinguishable from the real thing is something that was already developed and is being kept secret.The propaganda possibilities, especially is severely controlled states, would be numerous.

I would almost think of it as something that should be deemed forbidden due to this.

Then there is S1m0ne in the back of my head.

I don’t like how it seems accepted that there is an objective view in regards to criticism. Take Mystery Science Theater 3000 for example, they mock “bad” movies, but I enjoy a few that they make fun of, and I am sure there are people who like movies that I don’t like. Appreciation is so subjective, I hate the band wagon mentality of the whole thing.

Star Wars Episode I I find is a well made movie, maybe I don’t think that some parts are perfect, but nothing really is. There is so much great craftsmanship in CG, camera work, and music that I can’t dismiss it as a bad movie. But lot’s of people in the fan community just hate it.

Food is like that too, some people like certain dishes and others don’t, I don’t like it when people see their view as absolute. It has an anti-democratic feel to it, this “not being able to have different views”. “You are with us or against us” is garbage.

I think party politics encourages intellectual laze, basically being part of the group makes you want to be on board with the party platform, as opposed to having a more complex political makeup.

Prototype global currency, I wonder if it will evolve into one that replaces current regional currencies and if it will eventually get government support.

I know it’s a libertarian’s wet dream, but I can appropriate it, because I’m planning on ruling the world one day.

Also, keep on seeing people in media that look like people I know/have met. I’m not sure it’s such a big deal, people do have doppelgangers.

Edit: I would like to add why I support such a thing as a single currency, it’s just easier to see who has what when and how if we don’t have to do all that pesky converting and deal with currency market changes, also if it can be stabilized really well we can replace the disaster prone currencies of failing or failed states. The problem would be governance of the currency, maybe make it a U.N. institution or something, another reason to update the security council (because this is not 1945) and fund the U.N. better.

I know the problems the Trekkie community has with the Star Trek Beyond trailer. But I do like me some Sabotage!

Considering the kind of awful regimes we in the Euro-American world do business with I think that if Nazi Germany hadn’t been so militarily aggressive we would have let it do it’s thing.

It’s a depressing thought.

Even after all the intel leaks lately I wonder what is still being kept secret from us.

I also wonder if I would agree with any of it being classified. There is mass panic and other problems to consider.

When I was cuffed when the police was called after a breakdown I resisted and it took five officers to throw me in the van. I am grateful that they were all professional and didn’t hurt me, I am sorry I resisted but I was not quite myself at the time. When the first cuff was on one wrist I panicked and tore the other hand away and a struggle ensued.

Well at least this police story didn’t end in tragedy, I think there are good cops and bad cops just like in the movies. Also the racial profiling isn’t such a thing north of the border it appears. Though I am white of course.

The one female officer that first approached me was actually quite friendly. If they hadn’t decided to put handcuffs on me I probably would have gotten into the squad car without resisting. The cuffs just sent me into a panic, I also didn’t really think they would do that.

The thing is I am not a cop or soldier hater, I respect what they are supposed to do in civilized society when things don’t work out. I just wish it weren’t necessary and that there weren’t bad cops and soldiers. I don’t like how when some officers do something wrong, they are targeted in general, it should be just the wrongdoers, if you generalize than you are also guilty of profiling which is of course ironic.

I am of course critical of the militarization of the police, especially in the United States, it doesn’t help when officers are trained to think of civilians as hostile forces and not citizens with rights. I have said in conversation that if the U.S. government ever becomes corrupt enough to use it’s armed forces for mass police-state style suppression of the population at large, their forces, due to the nature of American patriotism, would largely disobey orders. The military might actually rebel. I think it’s a cool feature of American patriotism and hope it endures. If only we lived in a global federation with this feature, it’s still all this “us and them” bullshit.

Edit: When I wrote this I wasn’t aware of how much racism still exists in Canada in the system and otherwise. I blame it Canada’s really good PR. I apologize for my ignorance.

I am the tiny artist/intellectual. I fill the cracks between the giants. The internet is better than peddling on the sidewalk no? Maybe not, I don’t know, selling stuff on the sidewalk takes up so much time, and then there are the legal requirements and paying for printing costs. I will just pretend that I will go viral and become famous, or something like that and become a giant and make lots of money.

Once I am this, once I am that, I change roles several times an hour. Other people in my life have various roles in my story as well.

It is a fun mind game to play, I am a dungeon master in my own personal RPG.

Edit: Ok, it isn’t always fun, it can be one where the world is hostile towards me, I was just trying to be positive about my disorder.

Ok, if he suggests putting all Muslims in the U.S. in camps next I will seriously lose my shit.

Banning all Muslims from immigrating is already way too far in Nazi territory. Actually people should be loosing their shit over this. I am tempted to go yelling like a lunatic in the town square, warning people of the fact that just because the Axis powers were defeated, doesn’t mean we should not be ever vigilant.

I wish there were more of a point to all these anti-nazi movies in the sense of making people not support Nazis and people who share values with their more insane views.

I really enjoyed the new “The Man in the High Castle” show though. It has a scene where a Jewish prayer is being spoken while scenes from telephone surveillance by the Japanese are being shown. It felt subversive, considering all the surveillance done by the NSA, and the intelligence agencies of other countries currently being done on their own citizens.

I do wonder if I live in a totalitarian state and am an experiment as to what humans will accept as values, if they are propagated through media and word of mouth. I also imagine that there are ways to record people without being noticeable through walls.

I heard a few Trekkies talk about how we should divorce Star Trek from Gene and I disagree, I never find myself 1 to 1 in opinions with anyone really, but he had good ideas about how the world could and should be. I hope the new Trek series in 2017 is more about Gene’s vision and not the action and action/comedy we have been getting in the films since Wrath of Khan. (I do like action films and shows, I just don’t get as much out of them than with good trek episodes).

I was thinking my former friend Craig is an evil genius.

He used to brag about how good he was at making movies in 3d on computers, but it was never as good as the stuff the entertainment industry was pumping out, though he claimed he could do anything he saw on his computer. Maybe he was obfuscating his talent the whole time and left and made the Lego movie or was involved, he did like Lego after all.

Man, my brain thinks up weird scenarios.

In the hidden layer that I often perceive to the world, I feel that there are government sponsored drug sniffers who are allowed to use gestapo-clown tactics in finding out V.I.P. young people’s purity in regard to drug use.

There should be readily accessible information on elected parties promises kept after being elected. A checklist you know?

Edit:

Funny, a few hours after I posted this I found out that there is one in Canada now, it was front page news. trudeaumetre.ca

A Hippie Nazi Scientist Illuminati, the elections are a lie!

I implore them to be more hippie and less Nazi!

If I ever become seriously wealthy I am going to live on a normal developed world income and donate the rest to charity.

I urge people who are seriously wealthy to do the same.

Because they obviously read this blog.

I was having a discussion with my sister about how our world is so mundane considering the things we can imagine it to be. The magical things that could be are of breathtaking quality and depth.

But considering the strange unstable, sometimes disturbing worlds, I dream of, I do appreciate how stable and predictable, and I would say overall nice in my case, our world is. And we still have the ability to make it nicer for more people over time.

Projections of how many votes a particular party is going to get often influences voters to vote according to who is likely to win as opposed to who they most agree with.

I think smaller parties might do better if the media didn’t track who’s sitting at what way ahead of election day.

They can even create voter apathy, in my case I have not voted in the past because it was projected that my candidates had no chance in hell, which is also partially due to the first past the post system used in Canada, though there is talk of getting rid of that system.

As someone who identifies as an Austrian-German, I have empathy for Americans when they are spit on. If this were around the 1930s and 40s there would be a lot of anti-German sentiment and I am sure there still is, but it’s not as rampant as when it was deserved.

A lot of American policy deserves bashing these days, but I feel that the criticism affects parts of the population that are progressive and good.

Once again, I think that identifying as a human first is a way to escape group guilt when it comes to a nationality. We can all just agree that humans have good and bad capacities. One can only hope that our good natures triumph over our more base instincts.

#DasAuto Get It? 😀

Considering how the world works, it seems it is generally ruled by “soft” Nazis. They don’t impose as much nastiness, but the world is still some sort of neo-colonial mess.

And there is still a lot of Nazi style elitism in the elite.

I do wish global development in terms of positive increase of living standards were more covered and transparent.

I don’t mind if we take a hit for the improvement of the lives of the wretched of the earth, as long as it doesn’t turn our place into a hellhole. From what I’ve gathered lots of this development is just done if it’s profitable, which is disappointing.

Besides, who wants to make the greedy corporate overlords look good in any way?

Edit: And it seems that in many cases it’s just a developing nation’s elite that reaps the rewards.

Bernie, oh please become President!

You can cut military spending and corporate subsidies and pay for social programs.

I don’t live in the U.S.A.? So what? They are the most influential nation on earth, being concerned with what they do should be normal. Besides, I am a global federalist, I think that all human business is the matter of all of humanity’s attention.

I wonder if there will be any powerful global federalist politicians in my lifetime? It’s never been an issue outside of the intellectual/academic sphere in my lifetime at any notably visible level.

Edit: If I had written this now I would say internationalist.

Since when has this become the ideology of parties all over the political spectrum? I am not a news junkie, but it seems that the news is making sure that nobody in their right mind would even want to create any debt for any reason.

You people are insane.

I never really thought of where my entertainment and products came from when I was little, I was reading Garfield (the Jim Davis creation) and was remembering how I never thought of it as American, I miss that.

The current Federal NDP isn’t socialist enough for my tastes, I still like them, I would just be more extreme.

I suppose that’s why I am not a campaign manager, you can’t just do anything when you are looking for votes.

I really agree that our political culture of mud slinging is wrong. People should be able to disagree on something and not just shout at each other, but actually discuss it in a civilized manner.

And all the sensationalist news picking on issues that aren’t at the heart of political problems being faced is so evil.

Edit: Having said that, Nazis and the like must not be tolerated!

Why is everyone in Canada so obsessed with balancing the budget?

I am probably naïve, but can’t the government just make money to spend.

I really mean obsessed, because to a point I understand it, we don’t want devaluation of the currency and hyper-inflation. But they always talk about it and they don’t really explain why it’s so important.

There are other important issues you know?

Besides, tax the shit out of the wealthy, balance the budget, problem solved.

I have been a bit down on geek culture, but on the other hand I think that it is better than national identity, geekiness can be global, which is awesome.

Also it’s more inclusive than other identities, like being a scientist, a proletariat, of a political affiliation, of a religion, or others.

Fucking Gamergate assholes! We don’t want you here, everybody should be able to geek! I want to clockwork orange Star Trek to them.

I was in a bad mood when I made that post, I don’t usually feel like I am nobody and that I will never achieve anything, besides, my disability has interfered with my ambitions as I have mentioned somewhat.

I’ll try to give myself more of a break, but I think most of us get into bad moods.

I feel like my life never came into focus. I want it to, I feel like I exist beside society, that I am not really a part of it.

The thing is, I really have no idea what to do about it. I just lack that makes people make something of themselves, I have ambitions, but I don’t seem to follow through with them.

Being a drifter/dreamer kinda blows.

I really admire people that are somebody, even if it’s just any worker that helps make life good.

I am upset that German speaking countries aren’t contributing massive amounts of culture and pop-culture to the world, unlike the United States. It makes me jealous.

I suppose a lot of people in various cultures are in that boat though.

I feel that it is one of my strangely conservative traits. I also don’t want to see our culture drowned and replaced. Though I have heralded mono-culture as an agent of peace and stability, I don’t think all distinctness should be lost if possible. Now that computer translation is making huge advances, we might not even need a global language, something I have supported in the past.

I like peace better though, so it takes priority. I just want have my cake and eat it!

And then there is our dismal birthrate…

Get off my lawn!

Edit: Less peaceful these days.

You know what? I feel sorry for the modern first world aristocracy, they are forced into a life of servitude to the state, I know they are well compensated for it, but isn’t this a huge human rights violation?

I mean there is a lot of responsibility now for such leaders. It’s not like the good old days, where being in the aristocracy was basically a free party. I know some of them party, but look at the headlines when that happens, being forced into public life seems awful to me.

The thing I miss most often about living in Vienna is the constant availability of the masses, in Calgary you have to wait for festivals to go to big crowds. Due to Vienna’s comparatively mild winters you can even find crowds in the old inner city in that season.

It feels good to get lost in the crowds and just be a part of humanity in such an obvious manner.

There is also the market and food culture. Though Calgary isn’t entirely lacking in this area, it is not quite the same.

It’s weird to be a market snob, since the elite would never bother with the marketplace. 😀

There are other things I miss, but I am not sure that would be so interesting to list.

The thing I would miss the most about Calgary at this point though is my family, friends & social life.

In the back of my head I still have reoccurring unsubstantiated thoughts:

I often feel that I am somehow different than others that makes me a notable human.

I think that there is a very disciplined Illuminati controlling the world.

I feel that I am observed at all times.

I think that people making my entertainment are intimately aware of me.

I feel that humans are somehow subconsciously telepathically interconnected, explaining how we function so well as a hive. Or that there is a hidden instinctual language that operates like telepathy at a subconscious level.

I think my Dad is watching me all the time.

I think that some of the people that I know died aren’t actually dead.

I worry that I am awaiting a secret Illuminati trial.

I worry that we live in something akin to the matrix.

I think that my spending habits have an unseen influence beyond everyday economics.

Some of my more recent breakdowns were somewhat fun in retrospect, until I was lead off to the mental ward. The state of mind I was in was euphoric, everything had meaning, the tiniest of stimuli was a cornucopia of thought and sensation. I could stare at videogame screens with nothing but a simple animation and experience such wonders. It’s obviously not healthy and the state of my living quarters was severely in disarray, but I wish I had access to such deepness of experience, my current state is so numb in comparison.

If I were disciplined enough I would try to go back onto oral medication and skip every once and a while, but my experience has been that I would not start taking the meds again when I started going loopy.

It’s also numbed my libido somewhat, I remember being so enthralled by erotic imagery and almost being hypnotized, now it’s all more of a robotic function.

It’s my own natural high I suppose, it would be interesting to live in a controlled environment without meds, my own private living asylum. I was only ever suicidal when dealing with meds after all, so I probably wouldn’t really be a harm to myself if I had people to look after me. I suppose being a mad monarch would be comparable. It’s too much to ask to be sure, but it is an interesting thought.

I find that as an art-form, science-fiction has a lot to say intellectually. Maybe not all sci-fi can claim that it has expanded human knowledge, but some works have offered visions, commentary, and predictions which can be debated.

It still doesn’t excuse being overly obsessed with it just because sci-fi is sci-fi and its being geeky. But it is I find a rewarding way to look at the world with new eyes and see perspectives that aren’t found in the world today and history.

I wish it didn’t have such a bad reputation as being immature, I suppose not all of it can be ground-breaking, there has to be room for shlock.

I think European Integration under the E.U. is a good demonstration model on how a global federal state could be created.

I don’t know if the E.U. will endure or crumble, but it has done some great pioneering work in making a supranational federation. And I think this is where the future should go when it comes to global governance. I do remember stating that I would like more regional autonomy to create participatory motivation, but there are some matters that would still require global governance, which areas those are exactly is too tricky a question to answer with a simple musing, but dealing with crisis areas and situations would be a top thought.

The E.U. defines itself in one way as an institution that secures the peace in Europe by promoting cross-border market integration. I think this would translate globally quite well. It remains to be seen how well the new Eastern member states can be brought up to level of their Western counterparts through E.U. policy and leadership, but just because that might not go so well doesn’t mean that an institution such as the E.U. can not be the vessel of such change.

Maybe the U.N. can still be transformed into a global federation.

Edit: I no longer consider “federations” adequate revolutionary systems of human organization.

It is a sickness of the first world for sure, but also, since I have been having such thoughts so late in my life I am wondering how much there is to the whole 30 is the new 20 thing.

People appear to be maturing later and sometimes not at all in affluent societies. I wonder if this should be fought in the educational system? I definitely think that the education system needs to be a priority when dealing with the next generation. But immaturity in adulthood, should it be a specific target?

I don’t see the harm, we can always use a more a engaged and liberated population.

I am currently taking a Political Philosophy course at university.

I am definitely seeing the appeal of post-graduate work in a specific area of study. It is obvious that there is so much to cover in this one course that the material covered is not enough for mastery. And it would be great to be a well known commentator with a doctorate in just one sub-category of Political Science and make a name for myself.

This blog is already looking a bit different to me now, lot’s of my thoughts were covered by thinkers I am reading about now and I was presenting them as my own thoughts. It is nice to know that there is a great history of likeminded individuals who struggle with the same subjects I do, though I had no doubt there were such people, it is nice to have a guide to the academic world’s take on it all.

I am wondering, if I ever become an academic of note, if I will keep this blog as a reminder that I started out with a sloppy Journal of thoughts.

I noticed my blog is bordering on a thousand views, I am also wondering who finds it interesting in it’s current state.

I have been thinking that it is a somewhat unprofessional work of musings. But as art at least I think it can be of interest.

I am once again considering my life decisions while trying to sleep. Making big plans to become a more serious person from now on.

But knowing the pattern I will probably just fall back into my usual pattern of life choices and not change a thing.

Also the new show “Blunt Talk” with Patrick Stewart has some serious meta game in my head, it’s all because Captain Picard was and is such a prominent figure in my life. I would say it makes the show better than it is, so there is an advantage to having a disrupted thought process.

The internet would be great to make it work with such a large amount of people.

I think might only works so far, obviously enforcing the law of land with armed forces and police can work to let an elite rule without support, but if it’s more than stable civilization can handle then it can crush a civilization or paralyze it.

Here in the West it’s the most minimal amount of force and it works fine in terms of a stable civilization, so it still is an elite supported by might. Which is depressing.

Politics should be at the center of life and education like it was when Plato was walking the Earth. Yeah I know, like that’s going to happen. Representative Democracy does seem too prone to abuse by those who are elected, especially after time progresses and patterns emerge.

If everyone were involved we couldn’t blame anyone but ourselves. I even think Rousseau is right to a point that Representative Democracy is a form of hidden slavery for the masses, especially like now when the elite is so distantly wealthy compared to the general population and holds so much influence.

So I went to Vul-Con (A Star Trek and geekdom convention) this weekend and geeked out. It was fun and all, but I must report that I have been thinking about what Simon Pegg said about geek culture.

The whole immaturity of it all; in a world with so many problems should we really be dedicating so much time to entertainment? I don’t like this trend in society, people are more obsessed with what entertainment is on than what is happening in politics and the affairs of humanity. The whole entertainment industry is a kind of propaganda that way; keeping our minds filled with nonsense, keeping us distracted from what is important. Obviously we need a little distraction from reality, but with geeks and nerds it seems to be going too far, and it is becoming more common and chic. Even normal people that don’t consider themselves nerds are more likely to binge watch and there is sports. Whether the propaganda-like quality is intentional or not is not really important, I just know that I am feeling guilty for overindulging in my quest for entertainment when I should be nurturing a more mature side of myself, it’s difficult to be a decent political activist so far away from the action in the world’s power centers, but I would definitely like to be more of a person I can admire.

I should volunteer at a soup kitchen or a homeless shelter you know? I am politically aware and active, but not as much as I would like to be.

It’s ironic of course that a prominent pop-culture icon like Simon Pegg should come to mind when considering such things, he’s kind of biting the hand that feeds him. Well, I like him more now in any case.

Why are humans so focused on polarizing debates? It’s capitalism vs. socialism, realism vs. idealism, liberalism vs. conservatism, etc.

I wish we were more intent on taking the best of both sides and creating something that works best.

I just had a new idea for the ending that is different from the one I had planned. It’s a light ending opposed to sad one.

It’s cliché I know, but why not be a positive person?

Take it a step further, children bred in artificial wombs and raised by the state. Not alien to science fiction.

THE BIRTHRATE IN THE FIRST WORLD PEOPLE!

Wait, what if automation has taken over and people are bred like in the Matrix movies but instead of being birthed into the Matrix they are introduced to a free humanity?

I know it sounds weird, but it might be necessary for the maintenance of the species, if you believe that is a worthy cause. I think it’s a cool as hell species, so I support continued existence in this Universe for as long as possible.

Unless the promises of automation eventually turn our society into a civilization of total leisure I see that a wealthy population would have a problem of not being productive enough and multiplying enough to maintain itself. But that doesn’t mean we should throw humaneness out the window, there must be a golden balance so that we can have a world without poverty but still have a functioning society.

Dear Dr. Hawking, I hope you don’t cause us to miss the automation revolution train with your Terminator future predictions.

This whole celebrity worship is so weird, but it’s been around for a long time, sometimes obviously to a worse extent like emperor worship or living deity spiritual leaders’ worship (which is still around).

I do like some prominent people myself, but I like to think of them as human like me. I think the worst thing I have is that I like some famous hotties and think too much about them. Television and movies do present some of these people in such favourable light that it’s hard to resist the urge to think of them as more than just people.

I am guilty of it myself having said all that.

I have touched on this a little before, but I am realizing that I am legally Canadian but I am actually an Austrian-German. I have neither the Austrian or German citizenship, but when I cheer I don’t really cheer for Canada. I like watching movies and TV from back home and speak German fluently since I partially grew up in Vienna. Also, my blood is Austrian-German, I struggle with Holocaust guilt and not with Canadian guilt. Memorial day has always been weird for me because my relatives all fought on the side opposed to Canada and it’s allies. I just feel this way, it’s not really something I chose, it just developed on it’s own as I grew up. I can’t really pinpoint what caused me to favor my blood’s identity, one thing I have thought about is that America is all stolen land and I don’t really belong here, but that isn’t the only factor, there’s also the fond memories of growing up in Vienna, it probably also has subconscious dimensions I don’t know about and there is the bro thing I mentioned earlier.

It is a stupid situation because I now reside in Canada and am kinda stuck here for various reasons.

#FirstWorldProblems

You know what should be tried if it were possible?

A government that was in support of all sorts of human rights except the right to choose a stupid backwards government. That would have prevented the Nazis from getting elected right?

So far non democratic governments have generally been awful, but what if it were a really good government with constitutional laws that institute not only positive social policy but the kinds of freedoms we find in the most developed nations.

I think China has potential to become a country that operates like this, if it lost it’s nasty human rights record it could be a really nice place to live even if you can only vote for one party. Making a perfect set of laws to prevent corruption is obviously a tall task and having no way to change it in the future does pose problems of adjusting to new societal conventions as they appear, but I think such a country would possibly not have enough of a critical populace to support a revolution. China does have problems currently with rewinding on socialist policy, becoming more capitalist, and it still has a large amount of poor rural people, so it wouldn’t be perfect in it’s current form.

I am not anti-democratic in principle, but I do think that certain policies are inherently right and shouldn’t really be up for debate. I think maybe a hybrid would be good, having democratic referendums when it comes to non-fundamental policy. This is ideally how a constitution should operate, but we have seen that in nation’s current forms constitutional laws can be eroded, or in the case of the Nazis completely eliminated.

I don’t think I am a very good businessman, I do art that I like, I don’t go for mass appeal.

I like it, there are surely other people who have the same tastes as I do, it would be almost impossible for me to be unique in that regard.

I don’t hate corporate art, I enjoy blockbusters and triple-A videogames, I don’t even think they are worth less artistically, though attributing so much credit to single creators seems illogical since they are all team creations.

I wonder if I will ever sell any of my works? I am kind of jealous of all these business artists.

I am also thinking that socialism is the most advanced way of looking at politics, everything else sort of holds high the state of nature in some way, “survival of the fittest” and all that stuff.

I think we should be capable of being more than just animals fighting for our daily lives.

Edit: Every human life is valuable, and while I am at it, I don’t think a fetus qualifies. We don’t even treat children like real people in many ways. Denying the right to abortion is also giving a fetus rights over the destiny of a mother and her circles, which is backwards and denying the basic human right of choice to a person.

Edit: What are we, animals or humans?

I had several good ideas in the middle of the night while sleeping at a friend’s place for my novel and jotted them down on my smartphone.

I love my smartphone.

I had what I think is a good idea for the end and some concepts I’d like to work into the story.

I did actually once try to commit suicide over 10 years ago, I botched it (obviously), but it was a serious attempt. As stated, I don’t want to put anyone through that and it was the one time, a momentary lapse of judgment.

So, sorry for having a moment of weakness.

It’s just with all this sleeping I don’t see myself doing the work. When I was eighteen I wanted to be a Politician, so I started college with the intent of getting a Political Science degree and using it to go on to law school, but life didn’t hand me those cards.

Stupid disability, I am so grateful that I get social assistance to make ends meet. At least I can still enjoy life.

This medication induced sleeping is more suited to the life of an artist, I am not saying artists are lazy, but, depending on what kind, they can often keep odd hours.

I have been feeling a bit more energetic lately. I even started writing a novel.

I am officially an artist, I have decided.

Thoughts, opinions and personalities change. I usually start thinking that the blog doesn’t represent me anymore, I am too fluidic a being.

I think it’s a problem with all art, it reflects creators at the time they made the art.

The vote is marginalized with large democracies, which is disillusioning for the individual voter.

City states would be ideal to create more voter motivation.

I am not saying that there should be no global governance at all, but a lot of policy areas should be the responsibility of metropolitan areas.

Nazis without human racism and such, it’s an interesting idea for sure.

If faced with Alien threats would we become some sort of Nazi society where the idea is to live to fight.

I wonder what kind of soldier I would have been if I had chosen that lifestyle, I just think killing other humans is bad karma and counterproductive. But the arachnids? I am a Trekkie so I hope that we could live in peace, but if faced with a ruthless enemy bent on our destruction I think I would choose to fight.

Even if they are Nazis, it’s a nice idea that all of humanity could unite and put differences aside.

Though a democratic uniting would be ideal of course.

I wonder what kind of old person I will be?

I hope I won’t be a grumpy old man, that would totally blow chunks.

I did live with my Grandma when I was a young man and enjoyed it, so I hope that is indicative of things to come.

Then again she always spoiled me with food and cleaned the place.

Ok, now I feel like an ass.

Muahahaha.

I don’t like them the way they are, I think some tinkering is in order.

Maybe it’s good I suck at school and have no power huh?

I appreciate the art of masks I think. Having said that, a few actors lately look awfully familiar as of late. I am not dropping names. But it’s freaking me out. It’s people I know.

Ok, one name drop.

Ian McKellen looks like Patrick Stewart with a heavy mask. Funny seeing all those pictures of them hanging out on Facebook.

I know, I am obviously insane, I never denied that. Also, you could disagree with me on the Ian/Patrick thing.

I just hope they rule the world and they don’t hate.

Where is all this clean water coming from? I feel like something bad is coming.

I wish I had a superior view of water infrastructure using a video game, because it needs to be explained.

Ok, now I am just denying everything, I know it’s a societal faux-pas of the nth degree to deny the Holocaust. But how can people be so fucking cruel. It’s not just the Holocaust, I can’t even believe war exists and machines of war.

Maybe people turn into zombies when they don’t get fed. I am not trying to be smug, but I wouldn’t know what that is like.

Why do I keep thinking nukes are fake and a bluff?

Gah.

I needed those to commit civilizational seppuku.

I’m taking all you fuckers with me.

I guess common sense is needed, lest we wind up with a messy society.

Most people seem to understand this and behave themselves though.

Ok being a jet fighter pilot would be so awesome. I love watching stunts and maneuvers on YouTube.

I made some wrong career decisions when I was young.

I love just flying in passenger jets, the take-off is so fun.

If there is an afterlife where I can do whatever I want, I will definitely fly a jet fighter. The g-forces man, the g-forces!

Wait a second, whatever I want? Ok, that actually makes things too complicated, where to begin?

Seriously, it would be nice to know for sure that there is a meaning to all of this and that life doesn’t just end after a short time.

I wish I could experience that, it’s like I am a mutant. I will continue to pray anyways hoping for revelation.

MKUltra is always in the back of my head, when I was a slave to my paranoia I often fancied that I went on missions under control of intelligence agencies.

Like I said, it is still in the back of my head a lot. It’s not totally unreasonable to think that this kind of technology does exist, after all research on mind control has been done since the 1950s to my knowledge.

It once again made me feel relevant and important, now I am just a nut.

Being just a nut sucks.

This stupid medication, I am feeling a lot less creative on them. I used to enjoy writing and doing photography but now I just never think of anything to do, the motivation is gone.

I’ve turned into a media hermit, just watching shows and movies and reading most of the time.

I wonder if other people with schizophrenia feel like this on their meds, the paranoia helped bring a sense of importance to my work and so the show had to go on.

Now I am just critical of my works, they don’t bring me as much joy as they did when I was skipping pills.

I want my life to have meaning and I am finding less of it as time goes on.

I think religion is a sign that there is mass psychosis rampant in the populace, their insane minds giving meaning to their lives as they toil endlessly for gods that do not show themselves or exist at all.

The world wouldn’t work if we were all treated for psychosis though. Humanity would sleep it’s existence away like me.

Playing the keyboard is helping calm down my thoughts, I can’t really play anything yet, but I can still play some spontaneous compositions that are nice to my ear.

I wish I had found out about this before. But as the title says, it’s new.

I like that I can doodle with it so easily, that would be more difficult with a different instrument I feel.

Thanks Dad.

Right now I am thinking that the digital revolution was the catalyst for a social catastrophe. Amongst quite a few thoughts.

And see? That doesn’t work if we have a bandwidth problem like I mentioned in an earlier post.

It’s like any dumb idea that pops into my head is amazingly relevant, I have to struggle to maintain my zen.

If only alcohol and marijuana calmed me like they did when I was younger. Those don’t even work anymore and according to my Psychiatrist only negate the meds.

I am having a terrible night, my thoughts are not what they were in the morning. I was hoping to kill paranoia with sleep like I have been doing when this happens over the last two years, but I can’t calm down enough to fall asleep.

Like I have described in one of my previous blogs it’s notably wacky because the theories change and conflict with each other but seem very real at the time they happen and are very loud in my head.

Once the thoughts start repeatedly conflicting I start trying to dismiss them, but it is very difficult to blot out the noise.

I am lucky that I can at least identify it as a thought disorder, some are not so lucky and become slaves to their paranoia. That has happened to me in the past but not since I started with the injections.

The most dominant theme is that I am feeling increasingly watched or observed in some way. It’s making me anxious so I can’t sleep.

I feel really bad about it, I wonder if my medication might affect this if I ever have another chance.

I actually dislike jealous asshole boyfriends.

I only have to put up with myself for a finite amount of time as far as I can tell. Though at least my base psychology isn’t fucked up enough to really go for hating myself.

I wrote into the field “Agnostic that prays anyways”. I do pray to Norse gods. That makes me super weird I think, they aren’t exactly popular anymore unless they are marvel comic book movie heroes.

I had “Asatru” on there for a few days because just having “Agnostic” was not entirely correct anymore. I was thinking of meeting up with some Asatru in Calgary but decided against it since I do agree with Bill Maher that all religions are dangerous and stupid. I don’t want to offend all religious people with this, but it does draw lines between groups of people. Which is funny because Jesus, who I consider a great philosopher, wanted all people living in universal brother/sisterhood, then people draw lines using his name.

I guess a few prayers don’t constitute being religious or spiritual so I feel exempt from being labelled as some sort of nut.

Faith is kind of nutty from a scientific view. Though I won’t deny that it has spawned some good codes of conduct.

We really have that much bandwidth? It’s always been baffling to me. Then again I failed a network engineering course.

But my ignorance makes my internet access and smartphone seem like unlikely luxuries.

I am a student again, so I can now say something else than just “I am disabled” when people ask.

I am kind of studying for the pursuit of knowledge without much of a final goal in place. Which helps since there is no guarantee of a degree since I am not historically a straight A student.

I would prefer if I wound up with some credentials though.

It’s not as omnipresent as when I have a breakdown, nor does it really affect my behavior so it shouldn’t lead to hospitalization.

But still I have had these thoughts of being somehow special, having more power than I know about.

I also believe in a hidden order of governance, masked by a matrix of media obfuscation.

Age, as I mentioned in a previous blog that I deleted is also a factor, being in line with traditions that the elders have the say. I have been fancying the thought that there is an initiation when you reach a certain age.

But there is the negative stuff too, like I am some sort of international joke.

It definitely makes my thought process more interesting in any case, to be positive. I hate it when my mind goes blank, I really enjoy thinking.

I wouldn’t want to take more drugs and totally numb my brain, I hope I can deal with all this.

And ask me to do something immoral to get it.

So I can turn them down.

There are different levels of immoral…

I could donate the money for a good cause I suppose, if it isn’t too terrible.

I just really want to stick it to someone with too much wealth, I personally think there should be a wealth cap anyways.

With poverty still being a problem there shouldn’t be people flaunting private jets and such things.

I had the most intimidating dream ever, it dealt with gods, the afterlife, psychopaths, superhuman intelligence, supercomputers, industrial futuristic human mutilation for entertainment purposes, my sister being attacked by a psychopath with industrial tools, EMS being too slow to arrive and their line being busy, me heroically killing the psychopath and cutting his head off with a circle saw, cops with special fluids in diapers, me with special fluids in diapers, over coddling, a magical treehouse pirate ship, going down the highway in said pirate ship treehouse, smartphones, passports and things I’d rather not mention. When I woke up all I could think was that being a superior A.I. would be awful and had a new appreciation for the simplicity of my life.

I even started fearing death a little less, it is truly the most disgusting dream I have had in recent memory.

It’s weird, I am proud on one side and then there is all this bad history, especially recent history. So I wonder if it’s ok to be proud.

It’s been a major conflict in my head recently. It’s somewhat of a taboo because of Hitler, but I do identify with the Germanic peoples as a whole and I know the Nazis had strong beliefs centered around the greater German Reich that included all Germanic people, including the Scandanavians. I get this feeling of being bro with others of the same heritage.

I think it’s more useful to be a proud European though.

Or even better a proud Human.

But you can’t cheer for the Human or European team at World Cup.

Edit: Yeah I can actually cheer for the Human team at World Cup.

I look at facebook posts by media personalities and they are full of vile trash comments! Youtube and all the rest too!

I remember IRC channels being so dammned heavy handed with the banning for people breaking the rules.

Oh no, I am an internet conservative!

I am guilty of this, especially as of late.

People ask me what I do and I say I am disabled or something to that effect.

I do feel a basic human need to contribute to the highly complex mosaic that is humanity in some meaningful way instead of being a drain. I have worked at doing minimum wage tasks and it was awful, I didn’t get a sense of achievement. I look up to people of accomplishment and wish I could be like that. I have lately been jealous of celebrities, I know, it’s shallow.

So I do a few creative things, but they don’t earn money so I feel dishonest telling people I am a writer or photographer.

And that eventually led to my dilemma of defining my being as what is wrong with me.

I wish I were a girl, because girls just wanna have fun!

Thank You Cyndi Lauper for my new life outlook.

Just gotta concentrate on having that fun.

Conservatives of all kinds all weird me out. As life quality becomes better and better over the years I think it’s only logical to improve and improve. I guess I am biased since I don’t really have faith that death leads to something better, so we need to make this place the best place it can be.

Becoming masters of this Realm would totally kick ass in any case. I wonder how far we can go as a species in controlling our lot in life. I wonder if like some species in Star Trek we can basically become gods.

Why look into the past for solutions to today’s problems? I love having the conveniences of life now as compared to even just 100 years ago, the list of changes is astounding.

I know, I know, “Blasphemy!”. To you I say Bah Humbug!

The new meds work great except for one thing, they make me extremely lazy. I just sit there sometimes or go back to bed after being up for an hour and often sleep at least fourteen hours a night. I like that they inhibit my schizophrenic symptoms but life is definitely a bit more grey.

I didn’t like my last trip to the mental ward, it was Christmas and I wanted to be home. So I accept the side affects. People say how I am more myself.

It could be worse. Maybe in the future there will be better options. At least I am not in the Third Reich being sterilized or exterminated.

Though my prospects of making babies is relatively low I would say, besides, not to say that mandatory sterilization is acceptable but I don’t really want to pass on my defects.

I have an obsession with the eternal, I guess that isn’t so uncommon since people believe in an afterlife. But I don’t really believe in an afterlife, I want to, but I just lack enough evidence.

I have discussed with people how the universe is a startling coincidence with it’s ridiculous circumstantial configuration allowing creatures such as us to exist. That is SOME evidence, but not enough for me to start subscribing to organized religion and it’s ilk.

Back to the eternal, is there meaning with something as fleeting as a lifetime? In a universe that will eventually end? Finding meaning in a moment of time without focusing on the eternal seems like a solution for me. I have always had an obsession with immortality and omnipotence and so it is difficult to change this mindset that I was almost born with.

I wonder what people would say to me about their thoughts on believing in meaning in limited timespans?

Since this is my first post and I don’t know if anyone besides me will ever read this I hope someone comments with their thoughts.